Publish or Perish

I got an email from my friend R. (another fabulous bridesmaid) today. In it she asked me why I blog. She said, among other things, that my blog if making her feel lazy. She asked me why I blog. "Is it a real challenge for you to put yourself "out" for everyone to see? Does it help you with your writing exercises?"

Well, R, if you've read this blog from the beginning you know I was spurred on (goaded, peer pressured) into starting one. Not that Mixi actually did any of these things.

I sort of did it out of jealously. Yes, jealously. Mixi left Pittsburgh for Alaska to get her MFA (masters of fine arts). I'm sort of jealous. Yes, I know. I can get my MFA here in Pittsburgh. In fact, it would be cheaper for me to do so, being that I'm a Pitt employee. That's not the point. My point is that Mixi went for it. And I'm still here thinking about it. (Though, after reading her rant about MFA's, I'm likely NOT to get a MFA than to go get one. Publish or perish seems to be the academia's chant - hence the name of the blog.)

No, I don't think it's a challenge to put myself out for everyone to see. I'm not sure who does read my little blog, a handful of people at best. I don't care who reads it and who doesn't. But blogging forces me to write more often and not just in my personal journal. It's a sense of obligation. Isn't that weird?

But what, you may ask, is so different about blogging and journaling? My journals no one will ever see. Perhaps Loki, but no one else. My blog is available for people to see. Besides, blogging is an exercise in writing and in being more outgoing (more on this later).

People comment about this blog - or not, as the case usually is, but I know that my writing has be to tighter and focused if I plan on ever being a published author. So, I figure, blogging is a logical step. I imagine that I'm writing for a larger audience. I pick my topics - sometimes haphazardly, but I'm learning - carefully.

I know that in my travels that I can write an article/book whatever about Douglas Manor, about the craziness that is my wedding about the everyday minutae that is my lilfe.

And really I enjoy it.

When I told Loki that I journal - eight years ago - he said that it was a self mastabatory (sp?) thing to do. Yes, but where else am I going to dump my thoughts in a safe and non judgemental environment?

And now is the time to dump my thoughts in judgemental environment. I need feedback: about my writing and my stories (when I get them up and running).

I need to fall before I can stand, right?

Labels: writing

Is going to be a very very fine house (fine house)
With a fully functional and clean bathroom.
Life used to be so sad
My house
Is going to be a very very fine house (fine house)
with two working entrances.
With no carpenter ants underfoot
Life used to be so dreary....

I should have taken before and after shots of the second floor bathroom and the back porch before all of it was demolished. The bathroom looks FABULOUS. I love it. We have a hard wood floor laminate with a shower and a CLEAN sink! Oh, I love it.

The "shack" in the back has been ripped down. And already it's ten times better!! Yeah!

Okay, that being said, I should check on my salmon and the potato puffs.

Potatoes!

Labels: Douglas Manor

who will be defending her thesis at 1:00 pm Alaska time.

Mixi

• She is willing to walk into a Claire's Boutique with me even though we're way too old to be in there.
• Loves to watch football while eating bree with crackers and wine.
• Has come to terms with her vest loving self
• Writes fabulous songs (especially about bus drivers, backpacks and stalking boys)
• Is a social chameleon
• Bravely left everyone and everything she knew to get her MFA in Alaska. Yes, that's right Alaska.
• Isn't afraid.
• Is a cool person.
• Loves Coke - especially if it's freshly mixed.
• My maid of honor.
• My psychic twin.
• Is Asian.
• Has great handwriting as compared to my chicken scratch.
• Has great taste in clothes, shoes and accessories.
• Knows way more than I do.
• Has written way more than I have.
• Will get her MFA very soon.

Labels: friendship

My Loki is a teacher at a in Pittsburgh. They don't have much money, but they are all dedicated to giving the kids the best education they can. They do the best they can on the resources they have available to them and I appluad them for doing so.

Loki told me this story after school one day:

The dean of the school went to a posh party one night, along with several teachers from the school. A "friend" of her's (who is some big CEO of some company) came up to her and asked her to speak to his son who wants to become a teacher. He wanted her to talk him out of it.

"Those who can do, those who cannot teach," this schmuck said laughing. I swear he must have been drinking because why would you say that to someone who is the head of a private school and a bunch of teachers? Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Of course this brought him blank stares from the teachers.

He tried to save himself by saying, "I'm the CEO of ________ (insert random company here) and I make things. What do you make?"

Before the dean of the school could answer, another teacher piped in and said:

"A difference, what about you?"

Go Teachers!

Labels: Loki

That's all I ask.

When requesting something of me, it's always easier to have all the information I need on hand. It cuts down on time when I run into a question. For instance, when requesting a car, it's always important to have how many days you'll need the car, where it's going, what account it's going under. I can't read minds, so don't get upset when I come to you to ask these questions.

It's also important that I be left alone to do my work and not be interrupted all the time when you have "crisis." Losing your glasses when they are obviously onto of your head is not a crisis. Not getting important paperwork onto is a crisis. Asking me the same question five times is not a crisis. Past deadlines are approaching crisis status.

Learn to prioritize, people. And multitask. And stop lecturing me so much. I'm smart - at least that's what people keep telling me; though if they insist on lecturing me about things I already know then they must be lying to me about my intelligence.

Yes, I'm moody today. Oh, and yes, I'm still cranky.

And no, at this point in time, I don't like people.

Labels: moods

A friend at work sent this picture to me. I think this is how I felt most of the day.  

Labels: pictures

And all I can think about are the things that I need to accomplish at work. Sheesh.

Can't I relax? And if I can't, then why? Why must I fill my almost every waking thought with worry about the things I haven't done yet? Why must I think that other people's opinions about me are important? They aren't. Not really. I mean they might be useful, but most people's opinions about other people seem to be detrimental.

I've been doing this sort of thinking since I was in junior high school and probably long before that.

I promised myself that I would try to be more selfish regarding my own needs and to stop worrying so much about what other people think of me. I know way too many people who depend on other's for their opinions and thoughts. But what of their own? Shouldn't we live in a society where it's okay to think our own thoughts without fear that someone else might censor them?

Forgive me, my thoughts are all over the place right now. I'm tired and I don't think I'm making much sense.

So, good night. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day for me.

Labels: me, random

Have you ever had one of those days when you're in the middle of something and everyone keeps bothering you? So, what happens? You never get anything done and the same people who kept bothering you wonder why you aren't done.

Work with me people.

I'm only doing the best I can.

Labels: Monday

Seriously, not posting until today? Maybe it's been the funky mood I've been. Maybe it's the tensions at work. Maybe it's because I've just been too busy. Shall I list it again? No, let's not. You know, as well as I do, the things I have to get done by certain dates.

Friday, the contractor laid down our new floor in the bathroom. It looks fantastic. I love it. I really should have gone with an underfloor heating, but I think Loki and I can handle being cold every once in a while. It's this lovely wood laminate from Armstrong. It's called a floating floor or a tounge in groove floor (thanks HGTV!). I'm considering laying that down on the first floor instead of pulling up the fake brick vinyl flooring that covers the entire first floor. But we'll see.

And today, the contractor (Tom) will be working on pulling that terrible "addition" in the back. You know, the one that covers half my kitchen window, isn't insulated, green and doesn't open to the backyard. Yeah, that one.

We've decided to go with him to tear down the wood paneling and the closet in the dining room and to patch up the walls and ceilings there. So, even though I've been a slacker, Tom the contractor has not been.

To make up for my blogging slackiness, I will try to post again tonight.

Seriously.

No, I mean it.

Labels: random

So, the College of Cardinals have elected a Pope. Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger hails from Germany. As I think I have said before, I was hoping for a Latino Pope or an African Pope. To elect a European Pope is a let down for me. I wish him well, but like with all other religions, I'm a little wary.

I have never agreed with the Catholic Doctrine and probably never will. I'm interested to see what Pope Benedict XVI will do with his Papacy, but I'm also scared to see the events unfold. I don't like it when the Church - any church - gets involved with politics. It makes me nervous.

As my friend said Pope John Paul II lost her when he said that having sex without trying to have children is a sin. I understand her viewpoint. She went on to say that Latin America seems to have the growing number of Catholics. And a growing number of HIV/AIDS cases. So, sex without condoms isn't a sin, but when it could possibly be a deteriment to one's health?

Yes, I understand. I should remain open minded and hope for the best. But I'm not the only one who is having doubts about Pope Benedict XVI. I read an article about the division among American Catholics about the new pope. I haven't come across what other Catholics from abroad are saying about him.

But like I said, I will keep an open mind and observe what will happen.

Labels: faith

Me as Strawberry Shortcake. 

Labels: pictures

Loki as Spiderman.

Labels: Loki, pictures

Me and A_ at her wedding. Something tells me that she's tired...

Labels: pictures, weddings

Douglas Manor. 

Labels: pictures

The Roman Catholic Church goes into its process for electing a new pope today. I'm very curious even though I'm not really Catholic (though according to society I am, even if I rarely went to Church on Sundays, never went to confession or anything else of a Catholic nature).

I've done my research, thanks to CNN.com and catholic.org. And this is what I've learned:
Of some of the potential candidates, there is an African gentlman, Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria; several Latinos; a lot of Europeans, but no Asian (yes, I know. Most of Asia is not Christian, but it would be a little cool for me to see a Filipino Pope) or American cardinals candidates.

Why is that? Is the Catholic Church hoping to avoid scandal or is it merely politics? Or are there no American Cardinals of eligible age. Perhaps, I'm reading too much into this. I'm sure somewhere down the line someone is going to call me on the carpet and rip me a new one. Oh, well.

I've also learned that Cardinals under the age of 80 get to vote. But does that mean ALL cardinals? That's a lot of men. The dean of the College of Cardinals presides over the voting. There is a great deal of secrecy involved in the process - hence my deep curiousity about the whole thing. And unlike "Survivor" there are no "pacts, agreements, promise or other commitment" for or against a potential candidate. There are no such things as lobbyists in the Papal Enclave. Or popularitiy contests to boot.

Among the Cardinals voting are the support staff, which includes aides, doctors, priests, cooks and housekeepers. And yes, even the support staff is sworn to secrecy. There are also two technicians to make sure that there are no recording or transmission devices. The cardinals can't have contact with the outside world - kind of like jury that has been sequestered.

I don't know if it is always the case, but the voting happens within the Sistine Chapel, by secret ballot. "In early rounds, a two-thirds majority is required for victory, or two-thirds plus one if the total isn't divisible into three equal parts. " A ballot may be held on the first day. Is it black smoke coming out the chimney? They haven't decided. Is it black? They have chosen. (I may have my facts mixed up concerning this, I'll let you know if I do.) If after three days, no Pope has been chosen they take a one day break and then a cardinal is elected if he reaches a simple majority.

The cardinal elected is then formally asked if he accetps, though according to catholic.org he besseached the cardinal "not to refuse, for fear of its weight, the office." He then picks his papal name. (I wonder how he does that? Who was the first Pope John Paul?)

The new pope then greets the awaiting crowd from the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica.

Interesting?

Perhaps only to me.

Labels: faith

I don't know where this was taken, but I can probably guess who took it...thanks B_!

Labels: pictures

I haven't changed that much from the time this picture was taken. Just add glasses and leave the plate on my head, please. 

Labels: pictures

Holding on to the sun. Someone at work sent this to me. I thought it was really cool. I know it's all done with perspective, but still... 

Labels: pictures

So, why am I doing it today?

Because I have to. I suppose I don't have to, but it's a necessary evil associated with having kidney stones.

I formed my first kidney stone when I was sixteen years old. My parents waited until the summer to do something about it. We tried lithotripsy (this is the procedure done by aiming soundwaves at the stone to break it up; once broken the patient is supposed to be able to pass it through without any trouble.) This was all a pretty plan, until they discovered that the stone was still there and very much intact. In fact, it hadn't even moved. I finally convinced my parents that surgey was the only answer. My parents were very insistent that I not have a scar. And I was very insistent that I not be in pain anymore.

I sport a nice seven to eight inch scar on my right side.

I was very angry that summer. As I lay in my hospital bed waiting for the surgey I thought how could someone as young as sixteen get a kidney stone? My diet apparently. The doctor assured me that it not because of heredity - though my father has a history of kidney stones and in fact only has one working kidney. So, I made adjustments to my diet and stewed.

That was 12 years ago. Last July I woke up with incredible pain in my lower back. It was the kind of pain that only meant one thing - kidney stones. I tried to ignore it, thinking it was just gas, but the pain intesified. I couldn't get another kidney stone. But the pain was just too much. The nice physician assistant told me that yes, it was a kidney stone. Seven actually. And on both sides.

Apparently, what no one told me was that if you get one kidney stone your chances of getting more increases exponentially.

So, here I am. Taking medicine, watching what I eat and collecting a 24 hour sample of my urine. Lovely.

On a side note: As a sign of complete and utter devotion, my fiancee carried the box that held the container for my urine from our friend's house to the car.

Now, that's love.

PS
Just in case you were wondering here's a link for kidney stones:http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/stonesadults/

Labels: me, random

I hate waiting. I really do. Especially if it's for something that I don't want to do. Waiting for something cool and exciting to happen, that's different.

I'm currently waiting on about four things.

One: I'm waiting for my co-worker to get here so we can leave for a business trip. More accurately, I'm waiting for her to let me know when we are leaving - which probably won't be until noon. This wait is annoying and makes me cranky. I usually take between three to four business trips within the fiscal year.

Two: I'm waiting for my bathroom at Douglas Manor to be updated. That's exciting. No more ugly, dirty pink bathroom, with peeling wallpaper, grimy shower, and a sink with hair on it. Ewwwww. I mean it's not my dream bathroom, but one that's functional and clean and well, our's.

Three: I'm waiting for July 16, 2005. That's my wedding. I don't need to go into that.

Four: I'm waiting for our honeymoon in Europe. Again, it's self-explanatory.

So, three out of the four events I guess I don't mind waiting for. The fourth...well, I'm not too thrilled, but that's okay. I guess.

Labels: me, random

I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. However, this is what is on my mind:

• Address invitations
• Wrap gifts for attendants
• Pay off the florists, photographer, caterer, reception site
• Get dress altered
• Try out wedding hair style
• Keep up on my workouts
• Exchange ceramic tiles for tongue in groove flooring
• Do laundry
• Iron clothing
• Pack for business trip
• Pack up misc. for Douglas Manor
• Bring boxes to Douglas Manor
• Get veil from Gail
• Bring items to Goodwill
• Clean houses
• Patch up walls, prime, paint
• Mow lawn
• Write

And in between all of that I need to eat, sleep, and shower. Nevermind do my day job, of which I will be gone Thursday and Friday in lovely Sharon, PA. I'll try to write Friday night when I come back, but I suspect that I will be too damn tired to do anything but just collapse on my bed.

Labels: me, random

Is it because I've been working on my blog?
Is it because my shoulders hurt and it's affecting my puny little mind?
Is it because I'm worried about Douglas Manor, the wedding and work?
Is it becuase I'm truly a tiny little tad pole in a big gigantic sea of information on the Internet?

Naw, it's none of these.

It's time I go to sleep.

Labels: me, random

I had intentions of writing early this morning. And then my worklife got in the way; with meetings, phone calls, emails, papers and files that I shuffle around on my desk (some of them I eventually get off my desk)....

So, here I am. Near the end of the day and I still don't know what I want to write about.

It's Monday (afternoon)...do you know where your mind is?

Clearly not here.

CC

Labels: work

I have decided that if I ever go into business that I would open either a wedding related store or a baby related store.

With my own wedding come up soon, I have seen the numerous items that can be purchased to make your dream wedding come true. Is it necessary to purchase invitations (though they really do look cool) that cost upwards of $1,000? Is it necessary to purchase a veil that could cost $100, when my own was made for probably under ten? Is it necessary to purchase a purse for your wedding? Everyone will be catering to you, so make them carry whatever it is you want to carry yourself.

And yes, those dresses. Yes, those dresses are very beautiful. And yes, you should look like princess on one of the most special days of your life....however, I'm not paying a grand to two grand for a dress that I will only wear once. My dress cost $500 and it still makes me look like a princess. Ask my friends. I made one almost cry just by trying it on. I've added a picture of my dress. And I will emphasize that when I look like her, I will have been in a trippy drug induced state of bewilderment. (Also, please bear with me. I'm not sure how to do what I want exactly with my blog yet...)

So, now that I've gone off about the whole wedding prices thing you may be asking yourself, how's the wedding planning going?

And I will answer, very well, thank you very much. I have my invitations (which will cost me 60 cents to mail in the US and almost $2.00 to mail to the Philippines, Canada and Israel - another price issue that I won't go off on here). I have my dress, which I'm getting altered in May. I have my shoes (they are very cute and flirty). I have most of my presents for my wonderful families and friends who are going through their own definition of hell being in my wedding. I have my veil. I have a florist, a caterer, and a baker. Our honeymoon is planned and booked. My fiancee has his tux. I've informed my bridesmaids on what to wear. He's informed the groomsmen on what to wear. We have our place for the wedding and reception. We have an officiant. I've set aside rooms.

But still there's so much to be done.

And so little time.

Labels: weddings

This is my dress. And this is definately NOT me. 

Labels: weddings

I was built in 1915. I don't remember much of this time and I don't know whether that's good or bad. My memory gets a little better - though it's still fuzzy - around the sixties. The H_'s moved in around this time. They said they were from South Side, though I expect the parents were from Poland or from some other Eastern European country. They had two children, M___ and A____. M. was older than A. by at least seven to ten years. Again, my memory is fuzzy here. M., the father died, leaving I., the mother, M. and A.

A. married B. and they remained within me until she died of Hodgkin's Disease. Before she died though, she bore a son, S. S. was a happy and plump little baby, always trying to open cabinets that he wasn't supposed to open. As more time went on, a sadness filled me. I. never seemed happy. M. seemed at a loss and B. was bewildered.

Sometime, in the middle of the night, B. took his son and fled from my walls. It wasn't my fault, mind you, but the overbearing negativity and sadness that drove them away.

Yes, he tried to be a good nephew. S. came and visited his grandmother and uncle. But as time went on his visits became fewer and fewer.

I. died in the 80's. Her son, unmarried was truly set adrift. No one was there anymore. Just me and him.

M. died in 2---, leaving me alone and filled with bad memories. I was owned by someone who couldn't take care of me. He decided to give me to S. I could sense it in him. He was scared and the memories were triggering things he never properly dealt with. His fiancee led him through his emotions and he finally let those feelings go. I'm a blank, if a little broken, slate to him. He sees me as a great big task. His fiancee, though, sees me a project she really wants to sink her teeth into. Their own house.

His fiancee is a nice girl. Giddy at the prospect of fixing me up to how she wants me to be. She stills sees some of the ghosts that may or may not still be lingering inside, but she does her best to banish them from her thoughts.

I'm finally happy again.

Labels: Douglas Manor, writing

Me in my favorite chucks.

Labels: me, pictures

There are certain websites I visit almost everyday. One of them being (Mixi's blog) and in it she posts everything from bitching about MFA programs, discarding vests and imaginary boyfriends. After reading today's post (April 7, 2005), I got sad.

And this is what I wrote in my personal journal:

I'm not sure why I'm so hesitant to actually publishing a blog. I'm afraid, true. but I've
always advocated a who the fuck cares attitude. So, why do I still feel reluctant to publish
on line? If no one else will/might publish me then I should go ahead and do so myself.

So, really....I should shit or get off the pot.

Okay, so, I'll try it. I'll try publishing a blog...as if I don't have a gazillion other things to do
right now.

So, with great trepidation, I present myself to you.

And I promise I will write longer entries later.

CC

Labels: anxiety, blog, geeks, moods, writing